9 Nov


No winter, no autumn

8 Nov

I haven’t booked a flight back home. And now it is ridiculously expensive: 9jt one-way. I don’t know what to do yet. Been awfully busy lately. And then timing. People being assholes. 

Change of plans, now there is no plan. I’m glad I have friends, though. I guess it is the one fortunate thing I have in life. I have people who have my back. Those who genuinely care for my welfare, who are able to emphatize. Others, though, comfort themselves by thinking they care for you but do things contrary to that. I’m lucky that for me a meaningful human connection is not a fucking novelty.  But I digress. 

I’m planning to get a Macbook. I’ve always used Windows, but perhaps it is time to try something new. 

And so the story goes

7 Nov

Surprisingly, somehow I do not feel anything. Perhaps it hasn’t sunk in yet. Maybe there is a part of me expecting that he will come back. But of course… Fat chance. He decided to leave. I have no choice but to comply. Anything otherwise is just pathetic. I’ve fought for us to be together, but he of course won’t do it for us. He wants to leave, try out some other punani, have relationships with other people (pity, right?). He says he loves me but he doesn’t want me. I’m just in the way. That should be enough to offend me, but why am I calm? 

Calm like a bomb?

November rain

7 Nov

Nothing doing in Singapore. 

9 Oct

I had a three-day holiday in the Philippines. I took my time deciding whether to go back given that term break was almost over. But then… Decided to come, anyway. I left Thursday night via Singapore, and then spent a couple of days at home. On Sunday, I went to the flat because it was easier to leave from there at past midnight. Right now I am back in Singapore, waiting for my flight back to the old town. I had asked permission to be absent today, but I am so bored I end up bothering people on WhatsApp anyway. 

Anyways, my shopping plans were thwarted because my plane is at Terminal 1. I thought I had a chance to buy Irvin’s salted egg chips at T2. But nope. 

Then as for Muji, I didn’t really need to buy stuff but I did, anyway, after having eggs benedict at Swensen’s and regretting that I changed a shitload of monies to SGD. 

Anyway, I tried the 711 at T1 for some other salted egg alternatives, but no dice. Sigh. 

Oh well. 

Expectations vs reality

8 Aug

What’s the key to enjoying life? Or at the very least, what is the key to a non-shitty existence? 

I think it is having the ability to be happy by yourself. 

There are many things that can be sources of self-fulfillment: work perfomance, an artwork, a personal goal that you are able to reach. It makes a person happy in the sense that for something that they spend time and effort on, there are tangible or at least conceivable results, which can be a source of pride and feelings of fulfillment. 

But often we need other people to reach happiness and self-actualization. We want someone to appreciate our efforts, comment on a job well done, made to feel that our achievements also make them proud and happy on our behalf. Someone to do things that make us feel special. Especially in an age of oversharing, our desire to be noticed and appreciated even gets more intense. Like posting something on social media and waiting for the “likes” to pour in. 

It is this desire that often lead us to feel underappreciated. But we have to remember: everyone has their own lives to worry about. Just like how we fidget about something great (or even just mundane stuff), so do other people. Maybe if we care about others genuinely, we might get reciprocation. 

Or maybe not. Expecting something in return is a recipe for disappointment. Even if it is, and especially if it is, from people we care deeply about, if our expectations are not met, it tends to hit us hard. So while we must also appreciate these people (because we genuinely care for them), we must not be thinking that they owe us something back. Or that it is their duty to make us feel special or loved. Lowering your expectations also diminish the possibility of disappointment. We can all live happier lives if we slowly disengage ourselves from the need to be noticed and appreciated by others, and instead find more contentment loving and appreciating ourselves. 

I think that in this world where the idea of not being in control of your own life is a possibilty (often more so for people who are trapped in unfortunate situations not of their doing such as extreme poverty, natural disasters, political instability or war), it becomes all the more important to be able to depend on onself for validation than to seek it from other people. If you expect it from others, then you must also be prepared for the harsh bite of reality. 

Gives me goosebumps each time.

18 Jul