December. 

16 Dec

I got back this morning. Currently at my flat somewhere in Mandaluyong. I’ve been trying to get an Uber or a Grab but to no avail. Drivers busy, both apps say. In the mean time my battery was running low, and I went back up to the unit (I was making my bookings at the lobby) to recharge my phone and my spare battery. With how things are going, I might get back home late afternoon or early evening. 

Shit sucks. 

Anyway, I will be running some errands and applying for a visa to Taiwan. And let’s see from there. 

I can’t help but have this feeling of dread and sadness. 

It’s a sad situation. 

I’ll try to be happy. Or at least enjoy the moments while they last. 

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Sweet.

9 Dec

Saturday that was meant to be spent marking papers was instead spent lazy and in bed. Maybe I will give it my best tomorrow? Just now I was watching a Japanese show on Netflix called Kantaro: The Sweet Tooth Salary Man. It is literal food porn. Like 12 minutes into the pilot Kantaro is in ecstasy while waiting for his anmitsu. Anyway, why does it always have to be about food? There is this other show on Netflix with the same theme… a retired guy off to enjoy his newly found free time by treating himself to nice meals. It is too hard to watch especially when one is on a diet. But lol, who am I kidding? Here I am typing away with my Starbucks lemonade, having just finished a panini. I broke my four-day keto diet streak a couple of days ago, and I figure I can allow myself another day since I will be heading to a birthday party with a rumored eight-course meal later for dinner. Maybe I will give it my all tomorrow?

It’s unbelievable but it’s the holidays again in a week. I have already booked all my flights (and am now poor by USD700) but other than the empty sensation in my pocket it hasn’t sunk in yet. Going home, being there for a few days, and then heading to Taiwan with J. Maybe for the last time? I don’t know. An empty feeling that hasn’t sunk in yet. Uncertainties are like that.

I wish I can wait for it, like how our guy Kantaro anticipates his sweet anmitsu.

.

9 Nov

No winter, no autumn

8 Nov

I haven’t booked a flight back home. And now it is ridiculously expensive: 9jt one-way. I don’t know what to do yet. Been awfully busy lately. And then timing. People being assholes. 

Change of plans, now there is no plan. I’m glad I have friends, though. I guess it is the one fortunate thing I have in life. I have people who have my back. Those who genuinely care for my welfare, who are able to emphatize. Others, though, comfort themselves by thinking they care for you but do things contrary to that. I’m lucky that for me a meaningful human connection is not a fucking novelty.  But I digress. 

I’m planning to get a Macbook. I’ve always used Windows, but perhaps it is time to try something new. 

November rain

7 Nov

Nothing doing in Singapore. 

9 Oct

I had a three-day holiday in the Philippines. I took my time deciding whether to go back given that term break was almost over. But then… Decided to come, anyway. I left Thursday night via Singapore, and then spent a couple of days at home. On Sunday, I went to the flat because it was easier to leave from there at past midnight. Right now I am back in Singapore, waiting for my flight back to the old town. I had asked permission to be absent today, but I am so bored I end up bothering people on WhatsApp anyway. 

Anyways, my shopping plans were thwarted because my plane is at Terminal 1. I thought I had a chance to buy Irvin’s salted egg chips at T2. But nope. 

Then as for Muji, I didn’t really need to buy stuff but I did, anyway, after having eggs benedict at Swensen’s and regretting that I changed a shitload of monies to SGD. 

Anyway, I tried the 711 at T1 for some other salted egg alternatives, but no dice. Sigh. 

Oh well. 

Expectations vs reality

8 Aug

What’s the key to enjoying life? Or at the very least, what is the key to a non-shitty existence? 

I think it is having the ability to be happy by yourself. 

There are many things that can be sources of self-fulfillment: work perfomance, an artwork, a personal goal that you are able to reach. It makes a person happy in the sense that for something that they spend time and effort on, there are tangible or at least conceivable results, which can be a source of pride and feelings of fulfillment. 

But often we need other people to reach happiness and self-actualization. We want someone to appreciate our efforts, comment on a job well done, made to feel that our achievements also make them proud and happy on our behalf. Someone to do things that make us feel special. Especially in an age of oversharing, our desire to be noticed and appreciated even gets more intense. Like posting something on social media and waiting for the “likes” to pour in. 

It is this desire that often lead us to feel underappreciated. But we have to remember: everyone has their own lives to worry about. Just like how we fidget about something great (or even just mundane stuff), so do other people. Maybe if we care about others genuinely, we might get reciprocation. 

Or maybe not. Expecting something in return is a recipe for disappointment. Even if it is, and especially if it is, from people we care deeply about, if our expectations are not met, it tends to hit us hard. So while we must also appreciate these people (because we genuinely care for them), we must not be thinking that they owe us something back. Or that it is their duty to make us feel special or loved. Lowering your expectations also diminish the possibility of disappointment. We can all live happier lives if we slowly disengage ourselves from the need to be noticed and appreciated by others, and instead find more contentment loving and appreciating ourselves. 

I think that in this world where the idea of not being in control of your own life is a possibilty (often more so for people who are trapped in unfortunate situations not of their doing such as extreme poverty, natural disasters, political instability or war), it becomes all the more important to be able to depend on onself for validation than to seek it from other people. If you expect it from others, then you must also be prepared for the harsh bite of reality.