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Found music again | bouts of mania

26 Dec

It’s the Christmas holidays. While I was never in the holiday mood – this year that feeling of detachment is much more obvious – I very much welcomed the change of pace. All of a sudden, the long work days (even the ones on weekends) ended and I had three weeks to get myself shitfaced. Well, not really. I found myself with three weeks of nothing doing. Though that is not entirely true as I have a list of tasks I have to finish before the work resumes again. I have not gotten around to starting any of those. Too lazy.

I noticed of late that I have somehow had this tendency of getting really into certain things. A craving for a connection, knowledge, entertainment. In the weeks leading to the holidays, when I would not fly out to Jakarta or somewhere outside of S, I would spend the weekend cooped up in my room, doing stuff like watching entire seasons of shows on Netflix, or the entire four seasons of SKAM, in one weekend. Also some other things it would be best for me not to mention here. And so now those are gone, exhausted by bouts of mania, I find myself going back to music.

So now my account is once more scrobbling, since yesterday I had been listening to music practically the entire day. And I realise how much music is missing from my current collection, but I cannot do anything about it for now (outside of looking for albums on Apple Music, which in most cases isn’t as the stuff I want are only available in the Japanese iTunes Store) until I buy myself a connector for my external hard drives. Maybe tomorrow. I have to go out anyway.

I am currently reading DH Lawrence’s The Rainbow. It was a very bad decision as the novel is quite intense. It does nothing in alleviating this feeling of exhaustion. If anything, it adds to it. Anyway, I have failed this year’s reading goals, being short of six books if I finish The Rainbow before the end of the year. Unlike in previous years that I wasn’t able to meet my target, this time nothing much happened, except that I was busy or too consumed with some stuff.

I have less than a week at home as I will be going to Singapore to spend New Year’s with the boyfriend. Work in a three-day window? I hope the next bout of mania will be for that.



11 Nov


30 Oct

I did this thing like five years ago, and I decided to try it out again because, well, I need a hobby aside from watching as many shows on Netflix as I can. So anyway, I needed to take a test to get the position. And then I just got word that I “didn’t pass it just yet”. So yeah…. The good news is that the position is not yet filled, the bad news is I have to basically re-learn old skills because I am too rusty! I’ll have to see if I have the time and energy for that. Cuz these days I spend too much time cooking. KCKO! Lol r

Too much chill?

27 Oct

For some reason, I managed to bingewatch three shows on Netflix within the last seven days: The Haunting of Hill House, Bodyguard and the second season of Atypical, which I finished just moments ago. It’s only 10.45 in the morning.

It’s the first Saturday in a long time where I’m just in bed at the house, no classes to go to or other work to do. It’s been terribly busy, actually, and I had wished for the weekend to come, and now here it is. And after another series done, I’m out of ideas again, lol.

I’ll probably go to the mall later and see about buying a sleeve for my new Macbook Pro. It’s my first Mac, and I’m liking the ease of using it, but the aluminium body looks too fragile. Lol. I can’t just dump it into my bag. So yeah, that and some groceries. I’m back to doing keto again, and if I’m able to resist all the temptations a mall can offer, then I’d be on my third day on lazy keto. So far, so good.

Anyway, it’s like I have nothing to do. I have a huge backlog of stuff that is best not to mention here. And the state of my room. I haven’t really sorted out my things since I moved back into the house three weeks ago. Something keeps holding me back. Laziness? A shitload of hesitation because of….? I don’t know. I just don’t feel like doing it.

But then again, I should take that first step. It always starts with one step.

Cat is back

14 Oct

And has an injured leg. Gonna have to go to the vet and have it sorted out.

Feeling more calm now. He’s alive.

Ho do I get rid of sadness,

8 Oct

When the one thing that keeps me afloat is gone?

My cat hasn’t been back in a while. He was last seen by my housemate Friday or Saturday, limping. He hasn’t been back since, his food untouched. I wait and call for him, but he is not there. He used to wait for me by the kitchen door, just sitting and waiting, immediately meowing when he sees me. The absence is painful.

I feel gutted. It’s too much to hope that somebody actually took him in. He’s an ordinary cat, after all. It’s more likely that he has gotten into more trouble or is dead.

I want to hope but doing so is slowly breaking me.

Term break

5 Oct

This is my final night at home. Term break is about to end, and I’m flying back to Indonesia on Sunday. Time does fly even if you’re not having so much fun. For one, I worked one night, and on the succeeding days I did nothing work-related even if I was in a constant state of impending dread. I still have to make changes to a couple of exam papers that I am setting, and then vet a couple more. Dave will be leaving, and I have not made any changes to the affected timetables at all. And there are quite a few because classes are ongoing as exams are also happening. I haven’t done any lesson plans at all.

Most of the time I spent here I spent doing nothing. Mostly sleeping in twice during the day. I only left the house three times, once to buy furniture for my flat, and a twice for business at the DFA. I binged-watched season 5 of Brooklyn Nine-Nine on Netflix. I did not read any novels, though I did re-read the shoujo manga Parfait tic! for a couple of days. That’s 22 volumes in about 48 hours. After that, I felt emotionally drained.

This scene inspired a haiku I wrote and posted on the interwebs more than a decade ago.

I kind of miss the kilig feeling that shoujo manga gives me. Way back when, I devoured titles like these (it started with Hana Yori Dango and it was like falling into a rabbit hole from then on) and got my highs from them. Now, being older and maybe less hormone-fueled as I used to be, only shadows of those feelings were felt as I read page after page. I remember rooting for Ichi a lot when I first read this series, basically because the mysterious, intellectual Ichi is my kind of guy. But then, on the second time, and with more life experience to draw upon, I kind of understand why in the long run Daiya is a much better guy for Fuuko. He’s an honest, earnest, happy person. Also because Ichi seems to have an obessive personality. Lol. So yeah, 22 volumes done. I don’t know where to go from here. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I am in no shape to do them, mentally. Sigh. Back to real life soon.