Tag Archives: work

Found music again | bouts of mania

26 Dec

It’s the Christmas holidays. While I was never in the holiday mood – this year that feeling of detachment is much more obvious – I very much welcomed the change of pace. All of a sudden, the long work days (even the ones on weekends) ended and I had three weeks to get myself shitfaced. Well, not really. I found myself with three weeks of nothing doing. Though that is not entirely true as I have a list of tasks I have to finish before the work resumes again. I have not gotten around to starting any of those. Too lazy.

I noticed of late that I have somehow had this tendency of getting really into certain things. A craving for a connection, knowledge, entertainment. In the weeks leading to the holidays, when I would not fly out to Jakarta or somewhere outside of S, I would spend the weekend cooped up in my room, doing stuff like watching entire seasons of shows on Netflix, or the entire four seasons of SKAM, in one weekend. Also some other things it would be best for me not to mention here. And so now those are gone, exhausted by bouts of mania, I find myself going back to music.

So now my last.fm account is once more scrobbling, since yesterday I had been listening to music practically the entire day. And I realise how much music is missing from my current collection, but I cannot do anything about it for now (outside of looking for albums on Apple Music, which in most cases isn’t as the stuff I want are only available in the Japanese iTunes Store) until I buy myself a connector for my external hard drives. Maybe tomorrow. I have to go out anyway.

I am currently reading DH Lawrence’s The Rainbow. It was a very bad decision as the novel is quite intense. It does nothing in alleviating this feeling of exhaustion. If anything, it adds to it. Anyway, I have failed this year’s reading goals, being short of six books if I finish The Rainbow before the end of the year. Unlike in previous years that I wasn’t able to meet my target, this time nothing much happened, except that I was busy or too consumed with some stuff.

I have less than a week at home as I will be going to Singapore to spend New Year’s with the boyfriend. Work in a three-day window? I hope the next bout of mania will be for that.

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There’s always someone, somewhere with a big nose who knows

13 Nov

I consider myself to be above the usual Facebook ranting because I don’t even have Facebook. I won’t even post cryptic, meaningful stuff on Instagram stories or on messaging app statuses. But right now, I really want to rant. So to all the bots and casual victims spectators and random visitors, here goes.

I’m not perfect. No one is. But then sometimes one gets a feeling that there is someone who, while not necessarily openly hostile to you, will wait for you to mess up. Such was what I had today. I had overlooked something important, something that I had done two weeks ago, and only today was it raised, very publicly in the workplace WhatsApp group. For maximum effect, of course. So yeah, it wasn’t entirely my fault, but since I am the administrator, the fault is my responsibility. And so it went. A very busy day capped with WhatsApp dread. I’m okay, I was less stressed than I had feared, but I’ve learned my lesson. Sometimes one really has to micromanage. The important thing is to learn from this.

Rant end.

Back to listening to The Smiths.

All is well.

21 Oct

Sitting in the sofa with Kitty Cat, slowly easing into keto (at least starting tomorrow), using and getting used to my new MacBook Pro, and all is well.

Work is still busy, there are many things that need to be done by next week, but somehow it is easier on the mind, even if there are some things that I ought to worry about, such as my finances. And that I still have another year to work before I get a chance to start over somewhere new.

But it is good, that after many weeks of anxiety, I’m slowly getting back to a much more normal pace of life.

Let’s see!

Aggretsuko is my spirit animal.

6 May

I just finished watching Aggretsuko on Netflix. Very relatable, at least when it comes to facing a huge amount of workload. Although I wish I could just belt out a heavy metal song and be alright after. In this case, a slow burn. This is what my desk looks like, literally.

Back

22 Apr

I’m back to Semarang.

Actually, I had a health emergency last week and ended up spending three days in hospital. A couple of days later I returned to the Philippines. And now I’m back. Better health-wise, but I guess I still have a lot of pent-up anxiety. I must learn to get a better hold of it, of myself, because while I know I am not at peak stress, my body begged to differ.

I’m at that point again when I am starting to get unsure and have that feeling of wanting to get out. But then, I signed for two more years, I have mortgage to pay, I’m not ready to give up the kind of lifestyle my work has afforded me. But yeah, I am not centered. There is something lacking if life is just waking up, going to work, getting back from work, and waiting for the weekend and the next holiday. I know I’ve been really fortunate, but yeah, I don’t live like I am. I’m not making the most of it.

Burnout

25 Feb

I feel it coming.

Because I find myself sometimes thinking of alternatives.

There are days when I just collapse in bed after getting home from work and waking up past midnight.

Most days I do not find the time or energy to do things I enjoy, like reading, listening to music or watching something on Netflix.

I  am exhausted all the time. That is why I feel exceedingly happy when I have an opportunity to take a siesta (such as when there are long weekends).

I neglect even my daily routines.  Things I now do only sporadically: meal prepping, writing on my bullet journal, moisturizing my face in the evening.

I feel like I do not have time to finish all the things I need to do. This week I went to school for seven days straight. Monday to Friday, work. Saturday, extra classes. Sunday, marking papers. I still have a pile of stuff that needs to be done. It is like the seven days in the week is not enough for all of it.

Teaching is one of those careers where burnout is very common. I feel like this time is different. More than anything, it is the sheer amount of work that needs to be done is doing me in.

I want to escape all of it.

Counting down til the term break comes around.

Sweet.

9 Dec

Saturday that was meant to be spent marking papers was instead spent lazy and in bed. Maybe I will give it my best tomorrow? Just now I was watching a Japanese show on Netflix called Kantaro: The Sweet Tooth Salary Man. It is literal food porn. Like 12 minutes into the pilot Kantaro is in ecstasy while waiting for his anmitsu. Anyway, why does it always have to be about food? There is this other show on Netflix with the same theme… a retired guy off to enjoy his newly found free time by treating himself to nice meals. It is too hard to watch especially when one is on a diet. But lol, who am I kidding? Here I am typing away with my Starbucks lemonade, having just finished a panini. I broke my four-day keto diet streak a couple of days ago, and I figure I can allow myself another day since I will be heading to a birthday party with a rumored eight-course meal later for dinner. Maybe I will give it my all tomorrow?

It’s unbelievable but it’s the holidays again in a week. I have already booked all my flights (and am now poor by USD700) but other than the empty sensation in my pocket it hasn’t sunk in yet. Going home, being there for a few days, and then heading to Taiwan with J. Maybe for the last time? I don’t know. An empty feeling that hasn’t sunk in yet. Uncertainties are like that.

I wish I can wait for it, like how our guy Kantaro anticipates his sweet anmitsu.